Chronicles of THE JEW -- Part Deux

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

Oooooooooooooooooh, boy.



Here we go again.


First Day:
-got transferred to a different station. Rather than all the way up at North York, I'm now down on the beach near the harbor. Also, it's only a 15 minute bike ride so I now save $5 a day (no TTC costs).
-I check out the place on Sunday with my Dad. There are multiple old, huge brick buildings. I'm now at the survey, paramedic, and sewage centre.
-I show up for work 30 minutes early.........only to find some other kid there before me. My brown-nosing efforts will need to be doubled
-I'm using the bike I got in Grade 6, I don't have a locking chain, but I don't want to lose my bike..........so I stick it in the back supply room
-I start chatting with a guy over Doom3 when I hear the words "Ultra Quality" and "video game"....................I need a new life
-I meet my supervisor and the rest of my employees...........there seem to be very few females
-scratch that.........there are none (save for the secretary I see a grand total of 5 minutes the entire day)
-other people begin to speak of NASCAR, gambling, and the strip joint down at the end of the street (it's how I remember where to go in the morning)............I get the feeling that this won't exactly be a political correct place to work internally
-I go out with my crew..........to the Toronto Sun building. Apparently, it's one of the few coffee shops in all of Toronto that still allows smoking indoors.
-my one partner stays in the truck the entire coffee break; the other checks a plethora of lottery tickets. Seriously, he had so many to check that it took him the entire coffee break (75 minutes)
-the guys talk about their betting pools
-we go out to the site...........walk up and down it about 3 times
-they missed about 4 landmarks when they were here last due to the snow
-we set up and mark those
-we're now done our work for the day..............w00t!
-we head back to the lunchroom
-my earlier feelings about a lack of PC?..........bang on.............there is so much chauvinistic brawn oozing everywhere that it permeates all my pores.............and I love it
-the lunchroom says no smoking............they smoke
-they then start breaking out quarters, loonies, toonies, 5's and 20's.................it's time to play poker
-now, I've been playing poker this past year so I now the basics...............these guys put all those players on the T.V. shows to shame
-they're playing every style I know and a multitude I had never even heard of
-my crew leader wins about $60, says I'm a good luck charm, and tells me he'll buy me a coffee this afternoon for being such............score!
-I get dropped off at Metro Hall for an instructional guide on safety and what I'll be doing this year...........it's the exact same one as last year...........only this time they mess up who I'm working for in my contract................they also mess up my hourly rate.................AND they also mess up how many hours I'm gonna work in a week
-I am not impressed
-new contract to be mailed out tomorrow
-the bright side of this is that I get to meet most of the guys from last year ( Craig, weird angry white dude, head shaking McMaster dude, and Erin............:drool: )
-we agree that we'll need another bbq like last year
-I go outside to wait for my ride...........the weather is not cooperating with me.........it's gone from freezing, to raining, to sunny, to raining, to hailing, to sunny, to raining, to hailing............all in about 5 hours.
-eventually my ride comes to get me
-we go to a restaurant for drinks where I get a coke, 1/2 the guys get coffee, and the rest beer.............all the while staring at the waitress' @$$ and throwing cheap lines at her
-apparently, the other waitress likes this.................this one not so much
-she gets a cruddy tip
-we head back to the yard, I grab my bike, work out the difficulties over my contract, and bike home


I'm looking forward to this summer

[Phelpsy]

and i look forward to seeing more of these


i dont think its as good as the last one, but its still hilarious

[Paragon]

Once again, municipal is the way to go. Over at the federal gov't they make you FILL OUT FORMS for your money. I'm also looking forward to the 1/2 day paid WHMS and full day paid 'sensitivity training'

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

2nd Day:

-after talking to a few of the guys I find out that the place that I was at last year is considered the most uptight, strict, hardworking place to be when working for the city. I don't even think I need to comment on that one.
-the guy who was playing D3 tries to talk to me about computers. I quickly come to realize that his knowledge is............somewhat...........limited when it comes to the internals of computers. He mispronounces ASUS and when he asks me about my video card, he doesn't recognize the differences in models (ie. he thinks his X300 PCI express video card is better than my 6800GT overclocked to Ultra speeds simply because it's 8X AGP........... )
-the guy keeps hounding me about mundane computer things...........I've created a monster that needs to be killed quickly
-I leave the SUN building and we head out
-I haven't adapted yet to this whole "morning" thing so I've only been getting 4 hrs. of sleep the past 4 days. Thus, I'm somewhat tired.
-I fall asleep in the back seat of the van for about 15 minutes
-we do some shots and some "hip hop" black guy asks us if he looks good. He's wearing a black dew rag, enough bling to buy a small country, work boots, and a jacket and pants baggy enough to use them as parachutes. I ask why the h3ll we would know. He says we should because we're operating a camera (the surveying base station) that we must have an eye for fashion. I think the look I gave him explained that no, it's not a camera.
-I had forgotten my lunch so we head down to St. Lawrence market where I buy the spicy Chinese BBQ pork.....................and proceed to dump a "fair" amount of tobasco on it
-we head back to the lunch room where poker is starting up again. I'm so tired that I fall asleep on the lunch table watching them.
-I awaken with my arm covered in drool. I then look up to see who woke me up. It's the site manager.

Not good.

He says that this Friday I need to go up to Dyas Road (where I worked last year) to sort out my contract. Apparently, I need to go before the board of directors or something like that.

I try to inconspicuosly wipe my mouth of drool. I fail.
-after we go back out, we get a phone call from the boss. Apparently, the city has a bunch of people up on top of the parking garage waiting to see what time we come in. Yup, they've put out narks for us. We acknowledge the message and tell him we'll come in at the right time.
-I ride my bike back home all the while feeling like something isn't right
-I get home and then it hits me. The combination of sh!tty pork, much grease, lard, and tobasco hits my intestine and my body doesn't like it. The jostling bike ride back probably didn't help matters either. I run upstairs, just make it on the john, and.....................my @$$ explodes. I honestly covered the entire inside of the porcelain. It's bad enough that I can smell it. 12 sheets of toilet paper later it's all good
-I go to prepare supper

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

3rd Day:

-I sit out with the Waste Management guys in the morning. City people have the nerve to call rural people uncooth. Some bus driver got canned for coming into work after a night of drinking. His girlfriend ratted on him and he breathed a 0.04 (so he was still legal). The garbage truck drivers are saying that it's a good thing they're not checked on as they have 24's under the seat that they polish off while driving. Then 2 other guys start yelling at each other. The one finishes off the argument by holding up a cheap porno mag (ie. not a Playboy.........we're talking those mags at the top that are super seedy and full of chicks that are just plain nasty) and yells "Suck on this, @$$wipe. Oh wait. She doesn't have a d!ck like your usual. Sorry." I swear they almost came to blows. Heck, 1/2 of the rest the guys wanted them to go at it and were egging them on.
-got to work today early and was all set to go; however, the boss phoned in and said he wasn't going to bother coming in today.

"When the cat's away, the mice will play."

-some people just shouldn't touch computers. The guy from yesterday (who thinks he knows more about computers than he does) tells this one on the computer to make sure he logs off. The guy on the computer asks why. He's told that when he didn't log off last time, Windows went into sleep mode and could only be brought out of said state with his password. Since he wasn't there, they couldn't do that. So they called down the system administrator. Yup, the IT admin. Rather than just hit reboot and log in, they go and get the admin. Unbelievable.
-I think I'm getting a cold from the massive amounts of 2nd hand smoke that I'm inhaling. I'd like to think all those years at Homey B's place toughened me up............but I guess not
-why the devil is it this cold??? We keep hearing bloody wind chill factors on the radio. It's bloody May here, people.
-I can't believe how many newspapers I'm reading due to our transit times. Honestly, today I read 3 of 'em. They're all mindless drivel.
-lunch is pretty uneventful. I fall asleep (again) on the table as I got 5 hours of sleep last night. Gonna hafta do something about that.
-it was raining so we head back out to finish another job. As we drive past the Hockey Hall of Fame, we see a few people protesting the way KFC handles their chicken. This infuriates my crew chief.
-we get to talking about animals and they find out that I'm off a pig farm. Just as last year, the basic farm description amazes them. They had no idea that's what farming is like. I need to write a book on this stuff. They're literally enamored with how we dispose of pig sh!t.
-we make it to the pub that we've been going to all week. I've watched more soccer and baseball this week then I have the rest of my university career.
-on the bike ride back I almost run over some bum. Schmuck.

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

4rth Day:

-sitting in the smoker's room of The Sun building is giving me a sore throat, coughs, and a runny nose. I think it's something more than just an adversion to smoke. I feel sick.
-we drive out to the job site and I'm feeling not so good. Combine that with my tiredness and I'm feeling really not so good. I get out of the truck, begin to stretch, lose my balance and slam into the side of the van. The partner of the party chief looks at me, laughs his @$$ off and says "Yeah, it's gonna be one of those days for me, too."
-we take a few shots and then head back to headquarters
-whenever we collect enough data, we're supposed to head back and upload it. I had usually just sat in the van and waited, but this time I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I head up to the office and see my party chief yakking to the CAD expert. Like at my old job, they use Microstation for all the final work. However, unlike my old job they apply corrections to the measurements. I'm shocked that they're the only ones who do this (all we heard about in school was how to correct stuff. Heck, 1/2 of the last 2 years has been nothing but writing programs to do so and learning all the math behind it). The kicker is how they correct it. He's using a slightly older program........from 1985 to be exact..........the only runs in DOS. This program is so old that they have a dedicated computer for it. They collect the data in Microstation, save it on a floppy, transfer it to the "DOS" machine, correct the data, and then transfer it back on the floppy.
-we go to a new site and get assigned a dual job: I'm supposed to be the human pylon (ie. I put on my vest and stand out in the street. Thus, I'm the first person to get hit by the car and, pressumably, my last dying curse will alert the regulars that something is coming) and I'm on bum patrol. No, that's not some fairy term. My other job consists of me chasing off the bums from the total station. Seriously.
-while we're at this spot, I get my first experience with street crack. 2 guys are walking along and start throwing pebbles and yelling at this one window in a house on the 2nd story. Eventually, this super skinny chick wearing a neon jacket outta the early 90's and black tights come out. She's starts yelling and they yell back. Another group of guys walk past and they all start yelling at each other. The terms "slut" "gang-bang" "ho" and "suck my c0ck b!tch" so up quite frequently. After all that, she walks down to the corner (I'll leave that joke alone ), and starts talking with some other guy. She grabs him around the waist, whispers in his ear, and then I see some fumbling around waist level. She then comes back to the original guys who were throwing rocks at her room. Then, I sh!t you not, they go between 2 houses, bust out the glass pipe, and start smoking rock. It didn't seem to be pot as I was close enough to have smelled that and, well, the clear ziploc bag wasn't green.
-while they're puffing away, some old asian dude comes over, stands about 8 ft. away, and..................just stares at them. That's all he does. He just stands there, hunched over, and stares them down. Now between the 2 houses was an alley with a gate in front of it. The only guy climbs up the eavestrough, hops over the high fence with barbs all across the top, and then lets the other two in. I glance down the alleyway and notice that there's a shack near the back of it. The kids keep heading towards it..........and the old keeps following them. They start yelling and throwing stuff at him, but he always comes back, stands about 8 ft. away and stares at 'em.
-after that we head out to the pub to watch the Canada-U.S. hockey game. The waitress there is obviously knocked up. Now, I thought the guys were just hitting on the last waitress cuz she had a pretty pooper. Nuh uh. The Mexican dude is all over this chick with a bun in the oven. And it's not just him. All the guys are throwing out cat calls at her. Some old retired fart eventually convinces her to sit down and starts giving her a back massage. I work with the dirtiest bunch of old men ever.

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

5th Day:

-this will have a bit of carry over from last night as those events directly influenced this day. Last night, we decided to have a house get-together. 2 of the people who moved in are new and we decided that we should all get to know each other better. Roz, silly girl that she is, had lost her ID for almost 3 months. Looking back on it, I'm amazed she got into all the bars that she did (she looks like she's 16............as long as you don't let your view stray beneath her neck, anyways). So we decide to go to an old man bar where she won't get ID'd.
-now, since I'm going out Saturday I've been arranging for some people to go with me. Megan first cancelled and has now decided to tag along. She phones up here super drunk and starts joshing me about an incident that occurred...............well, when I was super drunk. It was along the same lines as this post, but with someone different:

http://kalnet.kalshadowtech.com/php/php ... php?t=2738

Anyways, we banter back and forth for a bit and I say that I have to go cuz the house is going out. She asks if she can tag along. I say it's a house thing. She gets all p!ssy. I say that I'll ask Roz as she's organizing it. She then phones back a bit later yelling at me and I hang up on her.
-now, 3 minutes later somebody else phones back. I think that it's Megan's roommate so I answer in a complete greaseball attitude (ie. "Why hello."). She asks for Roz. I figured that she was asking for Roz because she figured that I hadn't relayed Megan's message. I tell her, more or less, that Roz isn't in but that I'll take a message. I'm over-oozing charm to the point it was cheezy as I thought I was just messing around with Megan's roommate. However, when the girl on the phone says good-bye, I realize that it's NOT Megan's roommate, but one of Roz's friends................who is now probably wondering what the h3ll was going on (actually, the story is even funnier for me because I found out which girl it was and I have a few humorous stories about her in residence..........but we're not gonna go there).
-anyways, we finally make it to the pub. I have a meeting on Friday so I only order a pint. We sit and chat for a bit and at 11:00 I decide to take off (I have to be up by 5:00). I get home, brush my teeth, strip down to my boxers, and fall asleep in bed. 40 minutes later I'm awakened by a phone call. I'm thinking to myself "WTF?!?" It's Megan's roommate. She says she's standing outside the front door and she just wants to say "Hi." Ah, f00k. I put on a pair of socks (the house is still cold), put on my bathrobe, and head downstairs. I open the door and there she is so I invite her in. She sits down, I sit down, and she says that she just wanted to say hi. I stand up, tell her that I'm heading upstairs, and she sits there with this bewildered look while saying "Aren't you gonna talk to me? I came over to say Hi?" I just start laughing at her because it's all obviously a head game. I'm tired, sick, p!ssed off, and have a big meeting tomorrow--I'm not in the mood for this bullsh!t. I just start laughing at her and tell her that she's acting like a brat. I ask her if this bratty act always works. She gets all (pretend) p!ssy and storms outta there. I ask if she wants a walk home (it's late out and chivalry is still valid in my books). She doesn't answer. I tell her to have a good one and then go to bed.
-I can't get to sleep
-I finally get to sleep at 1:30
-my alarm goes off at 5:00............please................kill me.
-I'm bleary eyed, my sore throat has raged on to the point that I can physically feel my glands engorged, I'm hacking, and my nose and throat are clogged with snotty phlem. I'm so tired and sick that when I get up to shut off my alarm clock I lose my balance getting off my bed, slip on a sock, and crash to the floor.............landing on top of a motherboard box containg spare video cards.

Fcuk.

I don't care as I slap the snooze and dive back into bed. 9 minutes of pure bliss. Eventually, I drag my @$$ outta bed. I feel like I'm gonna puke. I grab a granola bar, an apple, and a banana, shove them in my bag, and run out for the subway as I'm almost gonna be late.
-fast moving subways and feelings of wanting to puke do NOT mix well together. Choking down one's vomit = teh lose.
-I get off the bus and run to my old job.
-I get there, network with a bunch of people, and then find out my contract has been solved. So now I have to sit through safety courses. I swear they made up the board meeting just to rope me into this bullsh!t. I am not impressed.
-I look and feel like sh!t. Some guy with a huge gut, a shaved head, and a fairy Hawaiin shirt is giving us the lectures. Such exciting movies/presentations such as "Slip, Trip, or Fall" commence. For the love of all things holy in this world, end it now!................please!
-how, I don't know, but I make it through until lunch. I head out, buy Mr. Sub, and then eat it in silence. I hope that the copious amounts of hot peppers, jalepeno peppers, and tobasco I ordered on the sub will keep me awake. They do, but for the wrong reasons--my belly now hates me.
-we get through confined spaces (he had a funny story about a drunk getting washed down through the sewers to keep me awake) and trenches when he says it's break time. I pass out with my mouth open in my chair.
-one of my student partners from work gives my chair a kick awakening me. It's our last presentation.............I'm overjoyed.
-however, the remaining exams depress me as I feel cheated out of leaving
-I get home only to find out from the new people that Megan's roommate (who is, apparently now, my "girlfriend") was p!ssed off last night and told a bunch of stories about me. He doesn't go into them, but I figure they're all the ones from when I was too drunk to remember them. Good. What I don't remember, I don't need to apologize for. I tell him him as much ("What I don't remember, I can't talk about.............what I do remember, I won't talk about).
-I figure it has something to do with the one night at Finn's (I've been told that I was a complete @$$, placed my @$$ on the pool table and told the person shooting pool to "ram it in real deep"..........it was a guy, basically p!ssed off everyone in the bar, dropped off a chick and then went home. I remember seeing only Roz there so I hopped in a cab and told him to take me where there would be a good party going on, finished off a bridal party's to-do list at said cougar bar, and then all I remember is waking up the next morning covered head to toe in dirt..............with my jacket pockets full of wood chips). So whatever they told the new roommates.............I figure they only got a 1/3 of the whole story.

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

Quick Notes:

-got switched over to a new crew. These guys are great. There's p0rno in the back of the truck, we listen to Howard Stern every morning, and their favourite hobby is rubber necking..........only it's for chicks instead of accidents.
-much discussion takes place over the age of consent as rubber necking doesn't discriminate age-wise
-the driver MUST have done some sort of upper before. His converstations often go something like this:

"Hey, you want me to do an offset of 2 metres here? Cuz I'll grab the chain and we can have it done. Yeah, we'll put an offset of 2 metres here. You want me to do an offset here? Cuz I think of an offset here of 2 metres would be great. I'll go get the chain and put an offset here. 2 metres sound about right? Yeah, 2 metres. I'll do it right now. I'll get the chain and put an offset of 2 metres right here....................


...........and so on. And he says this all at an incredible pace. I'd miss what he's saying if he didn't repeat it so often.
-I took part in what may be one of the most disturbing conversations ever.


3 words:


"Post..................Op..............Transsexual."






I *might* just have to give up fake bewbies.







-I went out to a bar Tuesday night and heard one of the weirdest stories ever. This chick was living in a complex with 1 chick friend and 3 guys. One night, while she's up in her room with her boyfriend, the girl comes up and says that they MUST have a house meeting. She says "sure" and comes down. The other girl takes an entire garbage bag, turns it upside down, and out falls an enormous amount of clothing. Everyone is looking at her quizzically.

"They're all covered in cum."



I'm actually left speechless. This doesn't happen all that often, as you all know.


All the other guys in the story are disgusted (as is the girl). However, the landlord is also there. He picks up some of the clothing...............and smells it. Yeah. Smells it.
At this moment the girl's boyfriend calls her upstairs. He's laid out a bunch of her clothes..............and they all have crusties on 'em. She breaks out balling. The other girl hears her, comes up, and they start balling together. The landlord had said that everything was okay and that he'd just install new locks on everyone's door. The girls are adament in phoning the cops. Actually, the girl telling the story said she was ready and packed to go that night before the cops got there. She was that freaked out. The cops get there and they think it's the guys. They all say that they'll cooperate in any way they can. The landlord says he wants his lawyer.

Ding ding ding.............we have a winner.

The cops check his record. He's due to appear in court for jerking off on women's clothing. Cuffs come out, landlord gets thrown in the paddy wagon.
The CSI dudes come and start shining their UV lights. The girl I was talking to said that her room presented the best piece of evidence.....her bed sheets. Apparently, the entire thing was covered in jizz. The cops said that they charged him with 30 counts of sexual deviancy in her room alone. The other chick had a clothes dryer stand in her room that she kept her underwear on. I think you know where this is going. They charged him with 67 counts of sexual deviancy in her room. The CSI guys said that there were splatter marks all over the dryer and up on the wall and window. It was if his d!ck was a shotgun and his cum buckshot. There were buckets of the stuff everywhere.

I don't know why the chick told me this..............but I really didn't have a story to top it so I just kinda left it at that.
-I'll fill in more of these as they happen

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

My Afternoon Assignment:

-my orders for this afternoon?


Play hookie


-we get all of our work done this morning by, well, actually doing it at a decent clip. This leaves our afternoon free.
-we come back to take lunch and after watching the poker game we head up to the van
-we cruise around for about 30 minutes. After this we head back to headquarters so that we can see if our boss has left yet. I, not being informed of the plans for today, locked my bike up directly in front of his office.

This slightly complicates playing hookie....................just slightly.

-we fill up the truck with gas and our party chief bolts for his car. He's in the clear. 1 down.......2 to go.
-we drive around a bit more and the guy I'm left with goes in to finish his banking. Once he's done that, we head back to the yard. When we get there, he sneaks us in the back entrance and cautiously extends the front of the van around the corner so that he can get a glance at who's left. We see one van and the boss' car. Things are about to get difficult. He turns to me and begins to outline a game plan.

"Alright, here's how we're gonna do it. I'm gonna wait for an opening and then quickly drive the van upstairs to park it. I'm gonna go out the fire escape, out the back driveway, through the used car lot, and then start walking the back streets so I can get home."

"You need to get your bike without the boss or the other guys sitting in the lunchroom seeing you."

His route, while seemingly difficult due to the number of words describing it, was easy. The exact vice versa for me. I need to somehow sneak up to my bike without the boss seeing me right outside his office. If that wasn't bad enough, I also need to sneak out my bike while there's 3 guys sitting in the lunchroom. This is even more difficult as 1/2 the walls of the lunchroom are huge windows. And most of them are pointed directly at my bike.

sh!t.

I hop out of the van and begin to think. I know where the boss usually goes for a smoke break and I know where he usually parks. I also know that the guys will most likely stay in the lunchroom. This is feasible.

I start sneaking through the garbage truck parking garage to get to a closed door. It has a window so I can take a preliminary glance outside. I slowly raise my head up to the small window..............and see my boss walking towards me.

Sh!t.

I quickly head back to where I was wondering why the devil he was coming towards the vehicle maintenance section. I stop.........peer around the corner..........and see him coming into the building I'm in.

SH!T.

I quietly melt backwards into the shadows of the garbage trucks. There's about 30 of them all lined up and I head to the back and walk along them. I pass by all of them and get to the other end of the building. Now I'm at the parks and maintenance section. I start weaving my way through park signs and fertilizer to head to the back exit. I figure I'll go out that way, circle around to the front, grab my bike, and head out. I just get to the back door by the driveway and peak out the window of the door. Good thing I did as my surveying partner from last week drives by in his van. He was supposed to be in the lunchroom.

SH!T!

I decide to double-back, head into the parking lot, and get my bike from the side. I weave back through the park's section and then head through the shipment receiving area. I get to the parking lot, head to the back of it, and begin to walk towards my bike. I'm coming up behind a large truck when I see a glimpse of white about 150 feet ahead of me. I quickly step back. There, pulling in from the front, is one of the guys from the lunchroom.

SH!T!!

I wait for him to get out of his van, and then backtrack my way through the parking lot as now I know there's no way I can sneak to my bike from the left. I head back into the back of the building, sneak a peak through the doors of the lunchroom, and see 2 of 3 guys in there. Well, that'll have to do. I exit back out and head for the garbage trucks again. While sneaking behind them this time I almost trip over a garbage bag placed at the back of one of the trucks. There's just enough light to see what's inside.

It's an entire garbage bag full of p0rno's.

Yes, the City of Toronto feels that reusing magazines is far better than recycling them.





No, I didn't take any. No, I won't take any for you. Get your own.



I make it to the back exit, walk out the driveway, and head for the used carlot. I walk through it, make it to the other street, and begin walking next to the building just in case someone on the 2nd floor is looking out their window (thus, they won't see me). I get to the front corner of the building, duck down, and peak my head around the corner. I don't see my boss (though, I wouldn't be able from this vantage), but I notice that all the guys are hunched over their work in the lunchroom.

Then I'm hit with a revelation.


I'm a f00kin' summer student who received direct orders from my supervisors to go home. F00k this bullsh!t. I walk over to my bike, undo the lock, and take off.











Definately locking my bike up at the back tomorrow.