Chronicles of THE JEW

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

If you haven't already heard, I recently got a job with the city of Toronto. These are the stories of my days at work.


1rst day:

-got to work 20 mins early. Was told by the security guard that I didn't exist according to the city and that I had to wait in the exucitive room
-John Carlos, some Italina guy, "allowed" me to come up to work..........yay for actually being allowed to come up to the job I'm hired for
-sat around for 45 mins drinking coffee while realizing I was severly overdressed for this job in my dress clothes (same green shirt and black pants I wore to Chris' wedding)
-helped stock eyeglass cleaner...........clearly a physical and bothersome job
-went out with my foreman for lunch at Mr. Sub
-researched SUE (subsurface utility engineering) for 2 hrs.
-accidently hit the power cord, rebooting my computer
-ask my secondary foreman to sign me in so I can do research...........he took my joke about looking at pr0n seriously so he does so reluctantly (he's afraid he's gonnna get fired for looking at goat pr0n...........wimp)
-check out my foremans' hot daugher.............holy fcuk is she hot...........go McMaster med students
-go home and contemplate over my daty




Day 2 to follow tomorrow




..............and I'm fcuking darn those limeys going back to England.



EDIT:

Due to my stupor last night, I forgot one of the funniest things...........if I get a paper cut I have to fill out an injury report.............this was explicably explained to me..............twice

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

Day 2:

-get to work and find out I'm allowed to go out and survey with some of the crews
-I get placed with a guy named Tony (who, unsurprisingly, was Italian) and a Sudan Oriental man (still trying to figure that one out) named Kander
-the guys tell me we better hurry and get going so we're outta headquarters by about 8:45
-we pull up into a mall parking lot....which I find a bit odd and ask him what we're surveying here..........he tells me "uh, we're doing a bit of research on the coffee shop"
-we get to the food court...........and 1/2 the office is there
-apparently, when one leaves headquarters to go to work that means we take break
-after break, I find out that Kander is going back to his home country on the weekend so we go to the bank. This is good for me cuz I needed to get a blank check anyways
-we then go to Kander's house and drop him off...............definitely a tough day at work
-we go see one of Tony's friends who has a slight crack in his asphalt driveway..........we assess the driveway and come to the conclusion that he needs more asphalt
-Tony and I proceed to a mall so he can get his hair cut...........I wander around and debate buying Quake for the N64..........foolishly, I did not *hangs head in shame*
-we get out of the mall and decide to take lunch.........I buy a meal from Subway (where the meal maker screwed me over..............told me a brownie could be part of the combo pack instead of chips and then charged me extra) and we head to a park to eat
-I explain the nuances of farming as it relates to life in general
-we head out to one of the city's construction yards with a bunch of pails and proceed to "borrow" some asphalt from a massive pile
-we head back to Tony's place where he proceeds to get out a pick-axe and I a shovel...........we clean out the driveway of loose pieces and leave the pails..............I'm reprimanded for carrying a pail on my own as I might hurt myself.
-we then, after all this time, set out for our actual work
-we mark out some monuments/benchmarks.............mission accomplished
-we head out to the botonical gardens to hit the john
-our day done, we head back to headquarters

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

Day 3

-Tony tries to convince my boss to always let me go out into the field with him.........he's a Ryerson grad and likes the fact that one of the students working there has an education actually relevant to the work..........apparently he's sick of working with kids going to Mac for medical and psychology
-boss says "no" as I was hired to research SUE
-I still get assigned to a crew and get to go out as I need to go to Metro Hall with photo id, SIN card, and void cheque to set up my direct deposit
-Terri, Erin, and I take off from headquarters..............to Tim Horton's
-our assignment is to measure how deep the sh!t tunnels are on one street.......the one man hole opens up easily with the pick axe..........the other does not.............oh well, a job for another day
-I have to go down to Metro Hall to meet up with a lady to set up my direct deposit.........so they drop me off at the subway and I make sure I have my wallet as it has all the info I need in it.............not wanting to lose it, I place my wallet in my schoolbag
-I get off the subway and find that my wallet is missing..............oh sweet irony
-I come home, cancel my meeting with the Metro lady, call my boss, and tell him what's happened
-I then phone Terri and Erin asking them to look for my wallet in a last ditch chance that I imagined the whole "putting my wallet in my schoolbad"........my imagination sucks as the wallet is not to be found in the van
-I rush to the bank to cancel my debit and credit card
-I take a nap as I've been feeling kinda sick
-I wake up to find a going-away party going on for Hanna, the English girl
-I divulge in "Aftershocks"..............essentially, they're English shots that taste like liqourice, cinnamon, and blueberry......................mouth wash
-one takes an Aftershock by holding it in your mouth until it burns, swallowing it, and then breathing in very quickly..............imagine icy fire coating your entire respiration system and that's an Aftershock.............I like them and had too many
-we go out to Mickey Finn's and I drop $70...........note to self: carry less $ when going out
-I come home and type the post up above
-I flop on the bed and attempt to sleep.............ever see those NASA whirling sphere training things? I felt like I was on one
-I expluge the demon liquid from my body (along with a can of salmon and a bowl of beans) and go to sleep......................for my 4 hr. nap before work the following morning

[[PX]IronFist]

This is a pretty awsome/crazy job...so did you ever find your wallet?

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

Day 4

-I realize the full effect of the saying "beer before liquor.........."..............I feel sick to my stomach and have to look at the subway floor as I'm afraid that the motion of the walls flying past the subway will make me puke
-I feel better by the time I arrive..........yay for the redemptive powers of 2nd Cup Mints
-I get assigned to go out with Terri and Erin back to the same street we were at the previous day..........due to our inability to open the one manhole, we are given a brand new pick axe............and 2 more people to complete the job
-we get to the job site WITHOUT GOING FOR COFFEE BREAK FIRST........this, I'm sure, blew your mind as much as it did mine
-we get there to find Pat and John waiting for us
-I'm warned not to stand on the street...........even though I'm 10 feet behind a wall of 9 cones covering one lane of the road around the corner..........the cones can't be spaced more than 4 inches apart.........everybody for 3 blocks saw them
-we have a special yardstick with a hook to measure down into the hole..........the hook has the innate ability to constantly pick up hunks of toilet paper down from the sewer
-we do the one hole and are then told "we'll go to the next site"..........I pressume this means that we'll be leaving in the vans and so I follow the other students to the vehicles
-after 2 minutes, I wondering where Pat and Terri are so I go looking for them around the corner while Erin and John talk
-I see them by another manhole and so I start walking towards them
-Pat looks up at me and yells "Where's the fcuking clipboard?! I need the g*****n fcuking clipboard now!!!"
-I turn around wave my arm at the other 2 and say "bring the clipboard" and start to quickly walk towards Pat in an effort to do anything to make myself appear useful so he's not p!ssed at me................holding up a low tree branch that was resting on him accomplishes that
-John, wondering what I had said and motioned, comes to the corner where Pat then yells at him "What the fcuk is wrong with your fcuking ears?! I need the fcuking clipboard fcuking pronto!"...............so John turns to Erin, the one with the clipboard, and starts to run towards us
-Erin, just now figuring out what's going on, starts to run towards us to be greeted by Pat's "Fcuk!!! Where's the fcuking g*****n clipboards? I don't fcuking have all fcuking day!" Terri begins to protest over Pat's somewhat liberal usage of the word "fcuk"........to which he responds "I don't fcuking give a fcuking flying fcuk"
-had the man not turned red along with 2 gi-normous veins popping out of his head threatening him with a stroke.............I would have died laughing
-we accomplish that job and Pat peels outta there with John
-Terri turns to us and explains what's wrong with Pat..........I swear I'm not making this story up........apparently, he braked too hard on his bike, fell over the handlebars, and landed on his head...........he then took a few days off work...............when he comes back to work he said that he, even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with his marriage, decided that he needed to divorce his wife so that he could be single again and enjoy the benefits of not having a life partner...........Terri says he just wanted to screw other chicks, but whatever
-apparently, ever since he hit his head he's been a demanding @$$...........we concluded that his mendula obligonta was seriously damaged.........and that there's a strong possibility that he's just a plain @$$hole
-we then setup to take a few surveying shots........while I'm peering through the total station, I hear this female voice asking me "what are you doing?"..............hoping for the best..............I get confronted by the worst
-the chick starts asking me if I'm filming a movie and, by the way she speaks, she's obviously.............uh, "not the sharpest knife in the drawer".......I answer her, well, dumb questions until I realize she's hitting on me...........I then start looking through the total station again murmuring "uh huh..........sure........" until she gets the message and leaves
-we take off for one of the yards where we're going to pressure wash the sh1t measuring stick...........I display my technical knowledge by being able to turn on the pressure washer (yay!).........we then proceed to soap, spray, rinse, and disinfect the lowly rod with enough chemicals to wash 1/2 of one of our barns
-since we didn't get coffee break, we take a 2 hr. lunch where I'm bored outta my mind 1/2 an hr. into it while people tend to their bank accounts
-we head over to a park where the city is going to put a road through.........hahaha kiddies, playtimes soon over
-we setup and I start shooting shots...............they're all good so I move the total station to the next point.............a bush is in my way of the shot so Terri tells me that I'll prolly need to move the total station.........I say I've got a better solution.............I break off the bush branch in the way
-I get scolded for "destroying the natural habitat of the park".........yeah, the man-made park was marred..............I'm #1 on Green Peace's hitlist
-we hurriedly make the shots as Terri is concerned that we won't make it back in time
-we get into the office at 3:00.............work ends at 3:30..........apparently, being anything less than a 1/2 hour before closing time consitutes late
-I go to the TTC Lost and Found..............lo and behold..............they have my wallet
-kind of a PITA that I cancelled my credit card and debit card

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

Day 5

-today is a new day.........I'm assigned to work with Donnie, an old Jamican man...........after waiting for 1:15 at headquarters
-we leave and go hook up with Terri and Erin at a pub
-there isn't anywhere to park to Donnie pulls up over the curb, parks in the middle of the sidewalk, and tells me that the "workers of Toronto always have a place to park" with a grin
-I order eggs with ham and Terri jokingly asks if I eat a lot of pork (I ordered a porkchop yesterday when we went out for lunch).......I respond that I have at least 1 porkchop a day and that I'm off a hog farm
-this absolutely floors them
-they think I'm joking..........I tell them I'm actually off a farm.........they thought that I was the "scholarly type from Mississauga".............this launches a farming discussion.............they have so many farming questions that I wonder if they thought farmers were a people as rare as African Pygmee's in Canada
-Donnie and I head out to Mississauga to pick up a total station that had been repaired
-along the way he tells me he can't figure out what the big deal with marijuana is in Canada...........back home in Jamica he says that a quarter of a pound of pot cost $0.50 when he was a kid. He said about 4 kids would chip in and they'd split the 1/4 pound.........he also tells me how old people would boil it and make eye drops outta it.........he also tells me that the old folks smoking it with water pipes would tell kids going to school to come over and then blow concentrated smoke at the kids while telling them to inhale (essentially, supering the kids)...........he says the kids were always super behaved in school
-we pick up the total station and discuss strippers and smoking on the way back while taking the "backroad" highways to avoid the 401 pileup
-we then have to take measurements on an asphalt highway........the city contracted out a highway and they pay the contractor based on how much asphalt there is..........we're measuring how much asphalt there is
-we do that and then head back to headquarters
-we meet up with 2 other vans and wait in the parking lot a block over from headquarters........apparently, we're done too early and would get in trouble if we go back now
-one guy starts telling this story about how he has an ingrown hair at "the bottom of his bag"..........he had popped it a while ago and thought nothing of it...............apparently, it had gotten a bit tender and on the drive home one day it's so bad that he goes to the walkin clinic with his regular doctor
-his regular doctor isn't in, but there's a kid there..........and it's his first day on the job.........he tells the guy to strip down and let him take a look.......the guy tells him "it hurts at the bottom of my bag".........the nurse corrects him by telling him "it's pronounced scrotum, dear"..........apparently, when the guy popped it the area got infected........and the thing has swelled up to the size of a walnut
-the new doctor cuts it with a scalpel, puts peroxide on it, and gives the guy medicine..............I'm splitting a gut here, people
-the guys then discuss strippers, smoking, and how the smoking bylaw is the worst thing ever to happen to Toronto.............they go at that last point with a fervor that would make Homey B proud
-we head into headquarters and I get told that I'm going down to Metro Hall tomorrow to set up my direct deposit

[Ghost [PX]]

So how much exactly do you get paid to do this "Job", and where can I get hired?

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

$15/hr. (though, I need to pay union dues) and, sorry, ya can't.

Like the story says ya need to be related or dating someone within the administration to get a job. Through a bit of manipulation and bucket loads of providence, I got hired.

I figure if the Liberals are gonna throw massives amounts of money at government institutions...............I might as well be there on all fronts to grab as much as I can.

[[PX] Nebuchadnezzar]

so, "cousin" Jason, when can you get me a job there?

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

Day 6

-I'm starting to recognize people on the subway.........I see Paul from class across the tracks in the morning and there's 2 chicks that are always on their way further north than me.............I rearranged my schedule so that I'm always 1 subway/bus behind some guy at work.........he seems like he's halfway high on the ladder and he always wears a sun visor................the sun visor isn't weird on its own..............though, him wearing it in the middle of winter is (or so I've been told)
-got to work and found out that Terri decided to take today off to pack for her vacation to Newfoundland so Erin will be joining Donni and me
-we grab a coffee, but don't hang around the store (we just head out straight to the job)
-we can't see the benchmark at the other end of the road so we spend the morning tying those together
-Erin was never allowed to use the total station before so I also spend the morning teaching her how to operate it
-Donnie needs his daily fix so we take off to the convenience store for his Vietnamese Red Bull.................he drinks it to increase his "pumping power" and keep "his women riding on top all night long".............he drinks the stuff down like liquid crack and we carry on
-we stop off at the Metro Bank so Donnie can make sure he got paid.............apparently, there's a bank that one can only join up with if they work for the city of Toronto...........he says the line was pretty big today.............there were 2 people in front of him..............I guess the amount of numbers is somewhat limited
-I have my lunch, Erin isn't hungry, and neither is Donnie so we eat on the run back to the job site (essentially, WE DON'T TAKE LUNCH BREAK..........this is a huge development.............Donnie proves that he's willing to take his lunch at a time other than as soon as the clock strikes noon...........or that he's even willing to go the day without lunch at all)
-at the job site we measure the asphalt and I further explain to Erin how to run the instrument.............she's going into the medical program at Mac, but she seems to catch on fairly quick
-I need to go to Metro Hall so Donnie drops me at the subway station and I head south
-get signed up with the city at Metro.............yay for actually being on the pay roll now
-today was a ray of hope for me..............Donnie shows me that there are people in government that actually work almost at private company standards (though, the 45 min. detour to get his "pumping power" Red Bull was a bit of a sidetrack)..........I've easily got the most done with him..........he shows me his work box and it's easy to see that my supervisor's realize him and Pete (his usual partner) actually get stuff done..........most of the crews have 3 envelopes (so, 3 projects to cover)..........Donnie's one box is overflowing and he had to start another one (we're talking at least 30 projects).............he likes to get the job done and then come in early at the end of the day...........I'm completely cool with this
-to give you an idea of the difference in work ethic...........everyone is assigned a project over the winter..........Donnie and Pete are always assigned the largest, most difficult job out of everyone.............they're done in 1.5 months while everyone else takes the entire winter.............he says he can figure out everyone else just "fcuking around" when there's work to do.........he seems to realize that he's got a "made" job and doesn't try to take advantage of it too much
-from my intial calculations after having worked with Donnie, Giancarlo, and Greg, the city has about 10% of their workforce working at roughly 80% efficiency.....................the rest?.......................hopefully, it's just a lull in the amount of work cuz I just ain't seeing it
-I think I might be getting an email address with the city soon...........gonna have to see if I can skim one off the network admin, Hans

[Paragon]

And I thought working at AgCanada was bad. I need to get hired at the municipal level.

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

Day 7

-get to work and it's gonna be Donnie, Erin, and myself again going back to do asphalt
-we set the van's lights on and I ask Donnie if it's necessary to keep the engine running to keep the lights going.........he says ya.............I turn off the key.................he was right..............so the van sat there idling the whole time we were working just to keep the lights going
-Donnie almost kills himself a couple of times crossing the road
-we stop to have lunch..................Donnie's having what looks like a flat croissant inside of a bun...........I comment on it.............I then get these looks of amazement as, apparently, I had no idea what a Jamaican patty was
-we discuss how Erin just recently found out her brother was stronger than her (she's 18 and he's 16).........she was using the bathroom and her bro wanted to use it........he kept banging the door and yelling..........so she hides behind the door and lets him in..............as he walks in she decks him in the ear.............he then, understandably, is p1ssed...........so he grabs her and throws her across the hallway.........they both realize that he's stronger (it's a relevation to both of them)........this only p1sses her off so she starts beating on him cuz he realizes that he shouldn't hurt her.............he keeps taunting her while she hits him until their Mom breaks it up
-we finish for the day and decide to go to the Botannical Gardens..............where we meet 3 other crews on their washroom break
-we've got time to kill so Donnie starts telling stories
-story 1 invovles Donnie and some friends on the beach.........they can just see the head of a man pretty far out to sea..........they think that he's a real good swimmer cuz he's keeping his head up and the current's strong...........an hour later they think something's up and so they row out.....he's dead.......they bring him in and "he was purple, bloated, his d1ck was the size of a balloon, and he stunk!".......they call in the ambulance and the paramedic tries to pick up the man by the feet..........all the skin and flesh on the legs detaches and the smell intensifies...........Donnie says the smell didn't go away for a week
-story 2 involves Donnie's food as a kid..........his Dad would get a goat inside a pen.............he'd come up from behind it and whomp it on the head with a 2 X 4...........the goat would be stunned, stop running, and that would give him a chance to slit the throat..........they would place a basin under the throat to collect the blood..........the basin would then be placed in the fridge where the blood would congeal.........then they would slice the solid blood into strips and have "blood pudding"............has this been on Fear Factor?.............cuz it should be
-we get back to headquarters and I get to hear 2 stories about a guy with a temper at a younger age
-story 1 involves a rabbi........all good stories do...........so one of the guys is surveying in Thornhill which is a predominently Jewish area.......there's a group of 20 Jewish guys standing off to the side.........now remember that the base station is pretty expensive and takes time to set up.........so the guy gets all set up...........suddenly, this rabbi comes along, rips the base station outta the guy's hands, and starts lecturing him.............he thought that the base station was a telescope and that the guy was scoping out the Jewish chicks...........the guy gets so angry that he grabs the rabbi by the beard and, while shaking him, yells "People like you make me wish Hitler finished the job!".............how the mob of Jewish men didn't beat the sh1t outta him I'll never know
-story 2 isn't as dramatic, but shows off the guy's temper again.............the city van is parked in front of a wheelchair ramp by a YMCA.......they have the shots all lined up and are just about done........some chick in a wheelchair comes up and starts giving them a hard time for parking in front of the ramp...........guy turns to her and says "Well, maybe you should get up off your lazy @$$ and use the stairs then"...............yeah, this guy was all about classy rebuttals


I'm gonna start condensing the office days together as me telling you guys "I did SUE research" gets rather monotonous rather quickly.

[THE JEW (RaVeN)]

I'll edit this post later for the office details, but I just had to share what happened tonight.


*spot reserved here for office details*



-so Vanessa phones up and tells me she's launching Minx Magazine..........it's like Maxim only for chicks...........or gay men..........they'll take money from whoever subscribes *shrug*
-so I head out to Milwaukee's and convince Megan to join me instead of her going to the movies as I realize Vanessa's gonna be busy getting her picture snapped by the Sun reporters and, even though the converstation will consist mostly of her shrieking, it is conversation
-I make the deal with Megan to buy her a few drinks if she'll come along
-she hasn't eaten anything today and gets trashed
-I play a round of pool against some guy and a chick named Robyn.......and lose by a ball
-while leaning up against the table talking to the guy, I see this chick across the room..........some guy is setting up these construction lights around her.............suddenly, she just lifts up her shirt and I'm staring a pair of tig ol' bitties...........the guy next to me elbows me in the chest saying "do you see that?".............I respond "she's totally naked"..........he just nods his head and gives an "uh huh"
-apparently, some guy is painting shirts on people..........so this other chick comes up and strips off her shirt...............I've more than made back my cover here, folks
-cover, due to it being a magazine launch, also gets me pizza.........Megan doesn't want hers so for $5 I get 4 pieces of pizza, a beer, and an eye full of adult entertainment...................this = teh win in my books
-Vanessa is part of a sorority and all the sorority girls invite their friends.........Pimpin Matt, if you wanted to come and visit this year, this frosh week is most definitely the year to come if tonight was any indication
-all in all................cruddy music, expensive drinks...........and some entertainment that probably wasn't real, but was still real nice


p.s. the night ends by Megan "sneaking" off (which means hiding behind a near transparent bush), us b!tiching at each other about who's being the bigger @$$hole, and a water fight ending up with her spilling her drink all over her guitar and amp..............muahahahaha..........life is good