KalNet Message Board

THE JEW (RaVeN) wrote:A rather funny interview at Something Awful with a former pr0n star, Texas Presley:

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/te ... erview.php

THE JEW (RaVeN) wrote:Actually, that's just a worker's instructional video on safety. I highly encourage all at workplace sensitive environments to open it as it will enlighten their day

Oral Sex Advice

Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abbey was a man?

Dear Mr. Abbey, my husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by giving him a blowjob twice a day. Then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abbey, my boyfriend wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your boyfriend can't get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your college roommates involved too? If you're still apprehensive, maybe you should just let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal, while you think about it.

Dear Mr. Abbey, my husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (and it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abbey, my man doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your man. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your girlfriend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your man as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abbey, my boyfriend isn't interested in foreplay.

A: You're a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your boyfriend on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abbey, my husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal?