Clasic just.... clasic (losts of jokes!!)
Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2004 1:03 am
OK THIS IS IT... GRAY'S HUMOUR BLOW OUT EVERYTHING MUST GO!!
(found these on other fourms)
A man walks into a bar, sits and places a frog next to him on the bar. After several drinks, a rather attractive woman leaves her friends and comes over to the man with the frog.
"What's with the frog?"
"This frog eats pussy."
"You mean it ate your cat?"
The man frowns and says, "He can bring a woman to the greatest heights of extacy."
"Yeah, sure."
So, they have a conversation for a while. Then she says, "Oh, I get it. This frog is a conversation starter. Very clever."
"Nope. He really does eat pussy."
"No way. Not possible."
"What, you don't believe me? Okay, tell you what. There's a hotel upstairs. If he doesn't eat your pussy, I'll pay your bar tab."
She thinks about it for a while, then agrees. They go upstairs. The woman takes off all of her clothes and lies down with her legs wide open. The man places the frog between her legs where the frog proceeds to do.....nothing.
"Hah, you get to pay my tab."
"Wait. I tell you, this frog eats pussy."
"You're just stalling."
The man looks at the frog intently. Finally, with an exasperated sigh he gets up, grabs the frog, and says to him, "Dammit, I'm only gonna show you this one more time!"
Did I tell you about the time I went on safari? I shot an elephant in my pajamas, How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be
stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this
forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs
work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this
group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again
...so anyway, a neutron walks into a bar and quickly drinks a couple pints. Ready to leave, he asks the bartender, "how much do I owe ya?" Bartender looks at him and replies, "For you, no charge."
...so anyway, a helium atom walks into a bar. He sees his hydrogen atom buddy at the bar, drowning his sorrows. "What's wrong?" helium asks. Hydrogen looks up, eyes slitted, breath beery, and says "shit, man, I lost my electron." "Are you sure?" Hydrogen stares down into the bottom of his pint glass and answers, "Yeah. I'm fucking positive."
Why do elephants paint theur nuts red?
To Hide in cherry trees.
How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.
TWO tourists were driving through Wales.
As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
"Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
What's the difference between a lighbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lighbulb!
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Psalm 129." The priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It read, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Jesus said to John, "Come forth and thought shalt recieve eternal life"
John came 5th and won a toaster!
Three old nuns are sitting on a park bench when a male flasher flashed them.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
The third nun's arms couldn't reach.
A CANNIBAL is found crying next to a large pile of poo.
"What's wrong?" someone asks. "I've just dumped my girlfriend!" sniffs the cannibal.
AN ARIZONA cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
(found these on other fourms)
A man walks into a bar, sits and places a frog next to him on the bar. After several drinks, a rather attractive woman leaves her friends and comes over to the man with the frog.
"What's with the frog?"
"This frog eats pussy."
"You mean it ate your cat?"
The man frowns and says, "He can bring a woman to the greatest heights of extacy."
"Yeah, sure."
So, they have a conversation for a while. Then she says, "Oh, I get it. This frog is a conversation starter. Very clever."
"Nope. He really does eat pussy."
"No way. Not possible."
"What, you don't believe me? Okay, tell you what. There's a hotel upstairs. If he doesn't eat your pussy, I'll pay your bar tab."
She thinks about it for a while, then agrees. They go upstairs. The woman takes off all of her clothes and lies down with her legs wide open. The man places the frog between her legs where the frog proceeds to do.....nothing.
"Hah, you get to pay my tab."
"Wait. I tell you, this frog eats pussy."
"You're just stalling."
The man looks at the frog intently. Finally, with an exasperated sigh he gets up, grabs the frog, and says to him, "Dammit, I'm only gonna show you this one more time!"
Did I tell you about the time I went on safari? I shot an elephant in my pajamas, How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be
stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this
forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs
work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this
group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again
...so anyway, a neutron walks into a bar and quickly drinks a couple pints. Ready to leave, he asks the bartender, "how much do I owe ya?" Bartender looks at him and replies, "For you, no charge."
...so anyway, a helium atom walks into a bar. He sees his hydrogen atom buddy at the bar, drowning his sorrows. "What's wrong?" helium asks. Hydrogen looks up, eyes slitted, breath beery, and says "shit, man, I lost my electron." "Are you sure?" Hydrogen stares down into the bottom of his pint glass and answers, "Yeah. I'm fucking positive."
Why do elephants paint theur nuts red?
To Hide in cherry trees.
How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.
TWO tourists were driving through Wales.
As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
"Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
What's the difference between a lighbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lighbulb!
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Psalm 129." The priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It read, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Jesus said to John, "Come forth and thought shalt recieve eternal life"
John came 5th and won a toaster!
Three old nuns are sitting on a park bench when a male flasher flashed them.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
The third nun's arms couldn't reach.
A CANNIBAL is found crying next to a large pile of poo.
"What's wrong?" someone asks. "I've just dumped my girlfriend!" sniffs the cannibal.
AN ARIZONA cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."